There is a knock at the door, 7am and a voice in the hallways calmly asserts. It must be, I hear it said routinely into an open door adjoining the 4 walled cement block of a room I inhabit. Only a short pause, then. I hear a slam outside my room in the hallway, sounds like a car door, but it’s not – it’s a fist against a wall.
Thud, a single thud.
I put two and two together and slowly turn over on my cot. I grasp at the external to attune myself to outside stimuli. The thud vibrates quickly and fast, these walls are thick.
The accusations following the thud comes from the voice of a pixie.
“I’m tired of it!,” she professes, seemingly to no one in particular.
That’s all she says, as quickly as the thud came, I hear her footsteps quickly march away from my room, down the hallway. She was proving a point, apparently, this place sucks.
“Fuck, this bed is uncomfortable. Whatever, where am I?,” I manage from my cot.
My head is blurry, I don’t remember exactly where I am or how I got here.
But I know I have got to get up.
I walk to the shared bathroom with doors that do not close and splash water from an old facet on my face. Look up at the mirror and see my reflection.
“That motherfucker, again”
It’s quiet, and now there is no feedback on my comment. I must be right, sometimes that’s how I tell if there isn’t any feedback from the thought or whispered phrase. I look at the mirror in the power of my existence, knowing I’m worthless. I state it to myself like a spell, to diffuse the pain of looking at myself again. I’m a piece of shit; it’s a standalone truth that needed to be neither affirmed, critiqued, nor denied. Not on this dimension, nor the next.
This place sucks and I’m a motherfucker.. but part of me knows I don’t deserve to be here.
It’s okay though. I’m not used to sleeping in the Hilton and I’ve woken in stranger places.
“Yeah kid, just splash water on your face and do what you do best, face the day”
I stop, I don’t want to have the look at myself to linger any longer than it has to. It’s me still, I’m here. Apparently. You’re cute.
To spite her, I smile back at myself determined to find my way out of this bathroom.
Out of my head, out of her gaze.
Simply be brave, shithead.